To be completely honest, I have no idea what I’m writing. I haven’t written in far too many months, and I just about gave up hope in ever returning to this blog. But, while reading Mark chapter 2 this morning, I had an overwhelming desire to put my scattered thoughts on paper.
Where to start…well, life’s been pretty hectic. Mono. Grad school. Marriage. Moving. Work. Not the most smooth or easy combination. And through it all, I have to admit that I’ve really sort of lost track of who I am. Who I was. Who I want to be. It’s sad, really…sad and unnecessary. Well, not so much unnecessary as I believe that sometimes we need a little smack in the head to set us on the right path again.
And I guess that’s what life’s been for me lately—a smack in the head. Everything’s been contributing to communicate my lack of self, even down to the freakish snow on April 30th in the middle of the desert. But as I’m sure I’ve put it before, I feel most myself when I have faith. Faith in myself and my abilities. Faith in my family and loved ones. And most importantly, faith in God. But I’ve lost it lately…well, not necessarily my faith, but my fervent and ardent desire to act on my faith.
The hardest part is that this downturn happens ever so slightly and ever so subtly that you hardly notice. I’ve been so distracted with my struggles lately that I’ve compromised perhaps the most important part of myself.
The biggest struggle has been mono. There’s no way around it…it just sucks. Bad. I came down with it last fall and am still feeling the effects. For someone who could put in a nine-hour day of manual labor and then go home and want to play a game of ultimate Frisbee, it’s been really hard to be confined to utter exhaustion and bed rest after a simple day at school. Though perhaps I’m completely wrong in doing so, I mostly blame mono for my complete breakdown of self. My understanding of my mind and body has completely been flipped upside-down and everything just seems so foreign to me. I don’t sleep the same, eat the same, or move the same. And my breaking point has lowered a significant amount that now, I no longer think the same, exercise the same, or react to situations the same.
And with all of the exhaustion and accompanying depression, I’ve lost track of that desire to act in my life and to live my faith. Instead, I’ve just…existed.
Which brings me to my point. When Jesus was in the house at Capernaum with a multitude of people, a man with palsy was brought to Him, carried by four others. And…“When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee” (Mark 2:5). Not long after, He said, “They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance” (Mark 2:17)
That passage struck me this morning—even those who are sick and struggling can be healed. It doesn’t always take a grievous sin to require forgiveness from the Lord. If we are not continuously turned toward Him and acting on our faith, then our spiritual strength begins to diminish.
Sometimes, we have to just keep going. We have to…move on. With this whole mono ordeal, I’ve gotten so frustrated at my new limitations because it’s made me, as I see it, less of a person than I used to be. It’s my retched tendency to focus so much on the past and not the future; I look so much at who I used to be and who I am at present, and I forget that every single day provides an opportunity of being something/someone different. What a blessing! And just as Christ healed the man with palsy, he can help me to overcome my own “illness” (call it mono, apathy, laziness, whatever) so that I can be more of the person I want to be. With these new limitations, I have gleaned new insight into myself and the world around me, and I should take that new knowledge and apply it to a new me, instead of trying to go back to who I was.
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